So today I wanna talk to you about something a bit different. I know my blog is normally very upbeat and positive, and I try to motivate people as much as I can, but sometimes it’s ok to really not be ok.
We all have those things we hate about ourselves, and we all have those things in our lives we wish we could change. Most of the time we cope with that, and we use it to make ourselves the best versions we can be. Or, if we can’t face those things, we ignore them and we bury them. But eventually, those things come back to haunt us. And it’s those days that I’d like to talk to you about today. Maybe by sharing some of my stories with you, it will help you to see that we are all human and we all feel like we can’t cope at times. That’s perfectly ok.
A little over 6 months ago now, my mum died. She was the very best friend I’ve ever had in the world, and she was the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and ever will meet. She was strong, and kind, and beautiful. She was brave, and stubborn, and selfless. She is everything I want to be, and everything I try to be.
And it really sucks without her.
I’m very lucky compared to other people. I have the belief that she is with me everyday. I know she watches over me, she sees the mistakes I make and the ways I really try hard to put them right. I talk to her when I’m alone, when I’m pondering what to do with a situation and I try to imagine the advice she would give me. Most of the time, that’s enough to get me through the days.
And then sometimes it’s not. Every so often I wake up in the morning feeling like I don’t want to get out of bed. Everything I do that day goes wrong, I feel awful about myself like I’m the biggest failure on the planet. By the time evening comes, I crawl into bed and I cry and cry. I don’t ask her why she left me, because I know she didn’t. And I’m never angry because she was taken from me, because I don’t believe she was. I just simply miss her so much it hurts. And sometimes things in life are so tough that you just need your mum. I don’t have that anymore, so I face those days alone.
The other day I woke up and looked in the mirror and I hated everything I could see. My weight is a really big problem for me at the moment, I hate that I am so heavy, and I decided enough is enough. I’m going to stop talking about changing things and actually change them.
I want online and I bought insanity. For those who don’t know what it is, it’s a 60 day program of intense cardio workout and nutrition plan. I threw out all of the junk food I had in the house, and I was super determined.
The day it came I was really excited. I knew it was going to be hard, but it’ll be worth it in the end. I spent the day trying to study… and it went terribly wrong. I was stressed out, I felt like I wasn’t going to complete my masters in time, I just felt really low. And then, in the evening, I tried to take the fit test on insanity.
I have never felt so bad in my life. And I don’t just mean out of breath, feeling sick, physically bad. I mean emotion trauma.
I didn’t finish the fit test, I collapsed half way through. That was a given and it’s ok. But the overwhelming feeling of failing stayed with me for hours. I cried and cried, I had a bath, I wished my mum could be there. I honestly felt like I was never going to feel ok again. I can’t adequately write how bad I felt, but if you’ve ever had one of those days where you can’t see how it’s ever gonna feel better, that’s how I felt. I felt ashamed that I had let myself get so unfit and overweight that I couldn’t even complete a ten minute fitness regime. I felt I let my mum down because she would’ve given anything to walk or exercise in the last year of her life, and here I am wasting it away. I just got in bed and wanted the world to swallow me up.
When I finally got back out of bed, I was angry. I thought “f*** this!” I’m not gonna let an exercise program make me feel like this, but I felt that in totally the wrong way. I threw the dvds across the room and said I’m not gonna do that ever again. I got the baking ingredients out and made the most sickly flapjacks on the planet, and vowed I was done with dieting because I never wanted to feel so shit again, and food makes me happy. I told my cousin that I wasn’t gonna do insanity again, and he basically said I was an idiot to give up.
And he was right. When I woke up this morning, I felt ready to try again. And even though I only made it through the warm up and about ten minutes of the workout spaced out, and I feel so sore now, I am happy I didn’t give up.
My mum taught me that you don’t ever give up. She went through some of the most heartbreaking times in her life, and she never gave up. I’m gonna continue to make her proud. The other day was a set back, and I’m sure when I wake up feeling shit tomorrow it’ll be another set back, but I won’t let it beat me.
I’m gonna take one day at a time, baby steps, and I’m going to make myself proud. Because although I carry my mum with me wherever I go, and she keeps me focussed, at the end of the day it’s got to be about me. I will succeed. I will be happy. And it’s ok that I fell down yesterday. Because I’m back up today.
I hope my story helps you. If you ever want to share your story with me, I am always happy to hear from you.